Relapsing = Part of the Process

I just want to say that after all of this time being clean, and after promoting sobriety and being clean on my blog here, that honestly I have slipped up lately. But even though I tell myself-"you only slipped up a little bit" - I still slipped up, and now I have to start counting over again. Its not good by any measure, but unfortunately relapsing is part of recovery. The shit just gets old man. What happened was that I ran out of subutex, which is the Rx I take that takes away the opiate cravings. I thought I was cured and didn't need it anymore. I couldn't have been more wrong. When I ran out of Subutex, my body went crazy. I went into the worst withdrawls I have ever had. I had to do something. I scored some good smack, and the fact that it had been so long since I did any, made it all that more powerful. I FELT GREAT! For about 2 or 3 days, I was on top of the world- no worries, no cares. But then after it was gone and I went to sleep. When I woke up broke again- reality set in. Then it was "kick myself in the ass" time. Full blown depression and self pity. Why would I do such a thing? I felt like shit for the next 3 or 4 days. Did I learn my lesson this time? I hope so. I'm back on the wagon- back on the straight and narrow. I got my Subutex refilled and life is back to the way it was. To be honest with you, I really enjoyed the high- but I am at the age and a point in my life that I also know, that if I keep doing that, I will die or end up an invalid and a burden on my family. I hope and pray I can stay strong.

REPLY TO THE E-MAIL

I finally got a comment on the letter- so I am posting the reply to the letter, just like I promised I would do. But first- here is the comment I recieved:

olivia de zarnales said...
i am posting a comment so please answer him. i just had my 52 birthday yesterday and although i say i am a functioning addict, i know there is no such thing. i am ready to stop and maybe i will even get a chance to finally know myself straight. over 20 years and i have no clue who i am. Anyway, now answer the man, please
September 5, 2009 10:25 AM

And here is my reply to the letter:

I see that you have stumbled onto my blog. Of course it takes an addict to really know an addict, and I know and feel every word you have written to me because I have been there. I also have a daughter. Thank god, she just turned 19 and did not pick up any of my bad habits or her mothers, whom I have been divorced from for 17 years. For the first time in her life she is finally living with me, and it gives me something to "attend to" besides my own pathetic life. I was on meth- shooting it up for about 10 years. That was over 15 years ago- or 2 wives ago. I got so bad, I was hallucinating and hearing voices, and now that I think back- those voices were real Charmaine, it was the devil!! My last go-round was with heroin, and that was harder to quit than anything, and I stil take it day by day. The thing is- all you need is yourself, your daughter and a clear head to think with- you don't need volitale relationships. Of course you need a source of income as well- but beside that- attend to your daughter, take it day by day like I do, and pray from the minute you get up and thank god for all of your blessings and the good things about your life!! Don't get me wrong, I am not a preacher or a religious fanatic. But I have come to know that there is a god, and he has kept me safe after all i've been through!!! Think about this for minute- everything bad that ever happened in your life was due to a bad decision, wasn't it? So the plan is this: from now on, be very careful and make decsions that will have a good ending- don't take any chances either- if your gut says no, then its usually right! We are all born to know wrong from right!! Do i know the answer to your problems? No. But I do know this- you can be happy and healthy and have a quality rest of your life if you start making good decisions, and get your priorities straight. I will pray for you, and feel free to email me anytime girl, as I have been there I assure you!! Follow my blog and I will be posting updates regularly- and feel free to post your comments there as well!! Us addicts need to be able to share with one another, and make history out of the past! http://www.selfintervention.blogspot.com/ Thanks for writing!

An E-Mail That I Recieved From A Reader

I wasn't going to post this, but since my blog is about "Real Life" , after much thought, I figured it would more than appropriate, as long as I kept it anonymous. This letter represents the true and on-going life of a real person, and it is a perfect example of someone that has come of age, and needs to start thinking differently. Remember this- Life is a series of decisions, and when you make bad desicions and use poor judgement, this can be the result.

Hello,
I am definately in need of some sort of intervention. I am 49, and am going thru or have been thru many forms of addiction. I was addicted to meth for 5yrs and that ended in 2000 thru my own wilingness to overcome mainly due tothe fact that I had a daughter who needed me (she's now 13). That in itselfwas very difficult but I have not used since then nor do I have the desireto use now. The problem is that I started substituting alcohol in 2004 in arelapse due to stress from an abusive realtionship and the memories ofmolestation, from a bad 2nd marriage that was very verbally, physically, andemotionally abbusive, and the loss of financial stability from thatmarriage. I lost EVERYTHING in that marriage, including myself. There hasalways been something. My brother (now, come to find out he's my halfbrother) molested me from the age of 6 until I was 14. I went to therapy forit, thought I overcame it, went on to pursue my career and was successful,until 2004 when I met my highschool "sweetheart" again and married him. BIGJOKE. Talk about abuse. It took me 9 months to tell him to leave and all ofmy finances to get rid of him including the equity in my house and my 401Kfrom my previous job of 18 yrs, and yes he got away with it. He was abusivein every way towards me but more so to my 8 yr old daughter at the time. Ofcourse she did nOTHING right. That ended it but it should have been ended byme after maybe 1 week of marriage. That, I will never forgive myself for andfor that, my daughter has suffered since then and has learned that I cannotbe trusted to protect her.I don't know what to do anymore and spend my days praying and wishing andhoping that a miracle will come my way and take me out of this drain thati've fallen in. I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE. I just want to disappear. No I donot consider myself suicidal because I have this beautiful daughter (thathates me) to still care for.I do not use drugs but I do binge drink. It helps me to alleviate the painand severe anxiety and hatred that I have toward my ex and toward myself forwhat I've done to my daughter. Of course the next day I'm crying wonderingwhy I'm not strong enough to just "kick it". That is the million dollarquestion. I feel like I am no longer a person. I also have developed OCD(think I've actually had it since I was little) and can't stop counting andrecounting and rethinking and an and on and on. I can't go out in publicwithout severe distress and angst, can't tell anyone of my feelings becauseI feel I am just a LOSER. I am unemployed and at this point don't even knowthat I am employable as I am. I need help and don't know where to turn. I amso miserable and honestly don't know what to think anymore. I have lost mostof my friends; who would want a friend like me? I have a 79 yr old fatherwho I can't turn to emotionally because he can't grasp it although he doeshelp me financially and I do love him dearly.Any advice before my world crumbles completely?
Thank you.

If you've read this letter that was sent to me, you're probably wondering if I am going to post the reply. It's like this, if I can get just one reader, just one, to leave a comment so I know this all isn't a big waste of time - then I will post my reply, or replies to this letter. I'm waiting!

STAYING SOBER & USING SUBUTEX

It's time for another post, and I promised I would keep this blog going as long as I stay sober. I'm still sober. And I am still being prescribed Subutex, that I cannot tell if they are doing anything, but they are doing the job as far as taking away any cravings for Heroin or any other Opiate. That's what Subutex is supposed to do anyway. I hope I can get off that soon, as it is very expensive for me right now. The next thing for me to tackle will be to quit smoking. Since I quit doing the dope, it seems like I smoke twice as much! How stupid if you really think about it, and how damaging to your body. Then the next thing will be to start exercising on a regular basis, to get into some kind of routine. I guess that leaves eating right. So I need to watch what I eat too, as I am 51 now. Anyway, until next time- leave some comments!!

THE LAST TIME I GOT HIGH

I can remember the last time when I got high. Its been going on 2 years now. I remember sitting in my truck on the side of a downtown St. Louis street, in a really bad neighborhood. I was shaking and sweating, trying to get that hit of heroin into the bottom end of a soda can without spilling it. I was shaking so bad, I could hardly fix up the hit. Then after I got it ready, I remember the search for a vein. I have literally no veins left due to heroin use. I took off my left shoe and sock, looked around for a vein, then removed my right shoe and sock, finally I saw a small vein barely visible enough to hit, but I stuck the needle in and AHHHHHHHH. I remember this last high like I remember the birth of my child. Thats how important that shit was to me at the time. About 6 months earlier, I did a shot in my ankle that caused an abcess. The abcess got infected with staff and I ended up on an operating table. I almost quit then. I went through withdrawls so bad during my 3 day stay at the hospital, but there was nothing I could do about it at the time as I couldn't walk for a couple of weeks. But I still did dope the day I got out. But this time was going to be the last time, and because of a combination of lack of funds and my dealer not having anything worthwhile, I did without- went through the physical withdrawls again and made the decision to just stop!! Hell, I was driving 200 miles a day back and forth to the city, every time I copped a few bucks, I would head downtown for a fix. I stayed high everyday, nonstop for 3 years. I had always done drugs, of one sort or another, but when I started on heroin, it went from a once a week thing, to once a week plus weekends, then to a full blown addict, looking for a fix everyday, all day long. I will be the first one to tell you- that shit gets old!! You don't think about it while your doing it though. You have to stay off it for a week or two, then you realize what a waste it all was. The problem was, staying off it long enough to come to that realization. I for one, am sure glad I saw the light. My sister was nice enough to take me to a pyschiatrist so I could get a prescription of Subutex. I had no health insurance either and that stuff was over $700 for a 30 day script. But it works wonders!! I highly recommend anyone with a heroin problem that wants to quit, to get on Subutex!! Here is a number you can call, and if you don't have a job or health insurance, they will make sure you get it for FREE!! Call this number 866-973-4373. I will talk a little bit more about what Suboxone and Subutex are, and how they work on my next posting. I am an expert of sorts when it comes to Suboxone and Subutex. Stay straight and have a great day!!

ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

So you have finally decided that its time to grow up and stop destroying the only thing that really means anything in this life, and that is your health. You know and I know, that if you keep drinking and drugging, one of two things will happen. The first thing that could happen is you could end up in jail. All you would have to do is get into a car accident while under the influence. Worse yet, someone gets seriously hurt or dies as a result of it. That’s just one example, you get the idea. The other thing that will eventually happen is, you will die. Well you are going to die anyway you may say. Yes, that’s true, however, the quality of life while you’re here, and how long you live are whats important when it comes to that.
If you are like me, you will hit a certain age, it was 49 for me, and something clicks inside your brain and says “ hey man, your not going to live forever!” Sure, everytime I had a “life crisis” I blamed somebody else, then I would sneak away and do the drugs and the alcohol overloads. You must acknowledge your mortality!
My last two binges before I straightened up. were blamed on a divorce (copout ) and then both of my parents died within 3 weeks of each other. What perfect excuses to use, and convince myself that getting high and drunk was the thing to do! That is one thing you will have to learn to overcome.
Rule #1 for self-intervention; Don’t try to mask the issues at hand by indulging in drugs and alcohol. Deal with your problems head on. If you can’t seem to shake the depression and the anxiety of everyday life, then seek professional help if you have to. Tell the doctor whats going on and more than likely he will prescribe some anti-depressant medications that will help you through any rough spots or withdrawl when you decide to stop the nonsense.
Depending on how bad your problem is, and the type of drug you may be addicted to, he may suggest a full blown DeTox!
If you are afraid to check yourself into a rehab center, than at least consider consulting with a close family member or friends that don’t indulge and let them know what you are doing for a little support. If you go straight on your own, you will need a new group of friends for sure.
Admitting to yourself you have a problem and making the decision to straighten up is the first step on the road to drug and alcohol addiction freedom!
Look for weekly updates to this blog. I will be posting real life stories on how I was able to maintain sobriety since deciding to go straight at age 49.
If you need help getting off drugs email me anytime at slowasugo@gmail.com.
I am here to help you get sober and stay sober!!